THE LADDER
ST KILDA                  14    0    170.44        56
GEELONG                 13    1    145.04        52
FOOTSCRAY             10    4    130.37        40
CARRINGBUSH        9    5    118.39         36
ADELAIDE                  9    5    102.90        36
BRISBANE                  8    6    105.10        32
CARTOON                   7    7    107.85        26
THE BOMBERS          7    7    101.36        24
——————————————————————-
THE POWER               7    7      92.10        28
STEAK&KIDNEY       6    8      95.29        24
LES MISERABLES    6    8      88.00        24
WEAGLES                   4    10      88.83        16
NTH MELB                 4    10      77.19        16
STRUGGLETOWN    3    11      77.52        12
FLAKY FREO              3    11      76.99        12
THE FUCHSIAS         2    12      71.50         8

THE AUSSIE RULES WRAP
For The Philosophical Marngrook Fan

What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  On Friday night with 77,699 at The G and the Whole Football World watching on TV screens in lonely pubs and along wind swept coasts, in far off exotic postings and stoking the mallee roots in the lounge room fireplace, The Bombers had their season put into perspective by the ever improving Carringbush.  The Dees break through and deliver a Victory to TLSRF.  The Bulldogs strip any remaining sheen from Les Miserable’s 2009 season as they make a decisive statement of their own.  Up in Bananaland, THE TIGERS displayed their usual too little too late game as The Pride of South Australia makes it six on the Stewie Trott.  While over in the City of Light The True Believers sat Boss Voss and his crew down for a serious chat about Kicking The Winning Score.

Come Sunday and it was all aboard The Junction Oval Bandwagon as they withstood everything The Pivotonians could throw at them.  Steak & Kidney won the Last Quarter to bring home the bacon while over in The West, the Juddanaught pulled Carlton’s bacon out of the fire.

Does anyone watch the adverts between goals on the box?  Resist the temptation to rush out and pull the scab off a tinnie next time the sponsor’s message flashes up on the plasma.  For instance, the SportsBet add could do with a re-make.  The account manager rattling off the wagers he’s taken out are as a good a disincentive to gamble as any.  How do we know?  He’s got David Hille in the Dick Reynolds Trophy.  Man Mountain limped off in Round I and is not due back till next season.  Have a listen next time and see how many other of his fancies have been as wide of the mark.

Speaking of adds, and look, we don’t want to turn this column into The Gruen Transfer, but did anyone notice that an advert for dietary supplements comes straight after the advert for fast – read junk – food?

Nicole’s ex was in the stand on Friday night.  The camera caught him a couple of times shaking his head in bewilderment.  Us too Tom.  Is there a different set of rules when the ball is inside 50 to when it is in the midfield?  They say they’ve made it easier for forwards in the marking contest, but has anyone else noticed they throw the rulebook away when the ball hits the ground?  But can you blame the umpires.  In those close up and personal mauls the frees come thick & fast and it’s impossible to pick out one, unless it’s glaring.  As long as it’s fair to all.  It certainly makes for good Footy, and the howls of the wronged fans is worth riding your bike in from Wantirna to hear.  We just hope Tom wasn’t too confused.  (He would have been even more confused if he’d been amongst the 54,444 at Docklands on Sunday – Ed)

Talking about throwing away the rulebook, since when has grabbing the ball out of the ruck and not disposing of it correctly been allowed?  Not that we’re against it mind you.  We always thought it the ruckman’s prerogative to take possession by sheer strength.  The reason I ask is that The Giraffe seemed to be doing a fair bit of it on Friday night.  Without penalty.  On one occasion in the forward pocket we saw a classic rucking manoeuvre.  He grabbed the ball from the throw-in and slammed it through the Big Sticks from a standing start.  The Gentle Giant Roy Wright, Big Nick & Polly Farmer would have been just some of the many thousands to be gladdened to see this coming back into THE GAME.

Those goals they snap from nowhere, it’s no fluke you know.  Go down to Auskick and watch them warming up.  Forget the percentages and easy goals.  Forget the screamers.  For Generation Next it’s all about running along the chalk and slotting it through on the wrong foot at full pace from the pocket.  Nothing’s impossible.  Coaching them is going to either a pleasure or a nightmare.

And speaking of Auskick, I’ve already given you Diddums Didak for this year’s Chas Brownlow Fairest & Best.  Jot down the name Donald.  Not sure of his surname.  He’s the Rising Star winner for 2019.  Could even be the next Darren Berwick, complete with a carrot top.  He plays in a No.4 Essendon Guernsey.  The number’s set to the left hand side of the jumper as though there used to be another digit alongside it, as in say No.45.  (I didn’t know they could count that high out at Whingy Hill Wrap – Ed)  He eats footballs for breakfast this kid.  Last week he got knocked out three times. Either that or he’s taking lessons from Lloydie.  And we’re talking eight & nine year olds here.  So in 2018 cast an eye over the Draft Camp Rookies and see if you can pick out a shortish blood nutted kid with a real determined look on his face.  That’ll be him.

If the invertebrates at the Star Chamber have any gumption at all, they’ll review Lloyd’s knee in Presta’s back as he went for a spectacular grab towards the end of the match.  (That could be any time after the Long Break – Ed)  You could see the Collingwood defender’s ribs jolt from the front on shot.  And didn’t Pretty Boy go butcher’s hook when the free was given against him?

As Doubtful Thomas would tell you, the umpiring has improved out of sight of late.  However, there’s a weakness in their game that the Geech could have a look at: the 15m rule.  We don’t know whether Tuesday or Thursday night is devoted to distance estimating down at Maggot Central, but they need a new trigonometry coach.  The call of “pay the mark” or “play-on, not 15” at The Blockbuster was as inconsistent as you could get.  And let’s be honest here, it was in Geelong’s favour.  On Sunday the turf of Ethelred Stadium was freshly trimmed and the mover passes were there for all to see.  How hard would it be to un a tape over the width and use that as a mental yardstick for judging the distance of those half kicks?

And look, I don’t want to sound like we spend a lot of time here at The Wrap maggot bashing, but do you think they could put the slowmo on some of those handballs.  Especially those where the ball carrier has both arms pinned in the tackle.  No. 35 in the Navy Blue & White Hoops would be as good a start as any.  And then his mate wearing No.29.

The Tour de Farce gets underway this week as does The Ashes.  Aussie Good Things will feature in both events.  Cadell will be trying to put a gap in them for the 3rd year in a row.  He’s made a good start in the warm-up day, sitting one out and five back  -23 seconds on The Yellow Guernsey, but only -5 on the man who beat him into 2nd in 2007.  Michael Rogers is -1.13 at 27th.  Early days yet.

The pre 1st Test slanging match between Baggy Greens and the Three Lions bdefore Wednesday’s match is well inder way.  The Two and Froms look as set as they’re going to be.  The Australian camp maybe not so much.  With a lowpitch predicted, and the dampness of the English Summer conducsive to swing, Nathan Hauritz is likelyto be varying the drinks in a four seamer attack.  Maybe one featuring the Worcester warm-up’s Man of The Match Bing Lee.

And in Strawberry & Cream Land Our Renée & Our Samantha gave Their Venus & Their Serena a run for their money – all USD2.5m of it.  That’s right, the Williams sisters pocketed a cool 3.125m Kanga for their fortnight’s work.  That’s not counting the 50 weeks of preparation and build-up before that.

But enough of my gabbin’. Let’s see who was seen after Round XIV.

COLLINGWOOD    2.3    9.6    12.10    15.12    (102)
ESSENDON        2.6    3.8      6.10      9.13      (67)
The Magpies v The Bombers.  As The Gliders discovered, they weren’t playing Carlton this weekend.  And not surprisingly, the email and SMS traffic from Niddrie, Keilor and Oak Park has dropped off somewhat this weekend.  As hard as they tried, they just couldn’t match Collingwood’s intensity, nor their skill level.  This Magpie Machine, much to the delight of The Black&White Army, displayed genuine pace, Football nous and supreme skills under some intense Essendon pressure.  This wasn’t a walk over; it was a hard earned Victory over spirited opposition.  Did The Bombers miss the leadership and strength of Mrs Watson little boy Jobe?  And ex-Captaincy Aspirant McVeigh?  With Dane Swan and Harry Oh providing grunt and opportunity after opportunity, and the Bomber forwards spending a lot of time chasing leather, that would be affirmative Goose.  But The Gliders should have had this one sewn up by the 1st Huddle.  BKIBF.  When Pretty Boy missed a couple he’d normally drill it was looking ominous.  When he ducked his head into a tackle and didn’t get the free The Whingy Hill Faithful may as well have headed for the exits.  Alwyn Davey slotted a miracle goal for only their 2nd major from a dominant Opening Stanza in which they had twice the scoring opportunities of their opponents for a miserly three point advantage.  In fact at this stage it was difficult to see where Collingwood’s goals were going to come from.  Coach Knighter would have known by then that they had missed their chance to put their stamp on the Contest.  With Golly Josh Fraser making amends for the whipping he took on Anzac Day, and their ears burning from Mickey’s words of encouragement at the Primary Huddle, they wrenched the initiative from The Visitors and never relinquished it.  But wasn’t this a match full of classic goals?  The Drouin Showpony demonstrated he was BIT with a beauty under pressure.  And Brad Dick – is he any plumb pud?  Built like a federal match, he’s got the Mothers of Melbourne competing to take him home for a feed.  With the leanness, vision, speed and balance of a cheetah, he knows where the goals are, and where the fans are.  The trade mark finger wag and the huge grin are all Larrikan.  Straighter kicking may have made for a closer contest and it would have been good for Tom to see a tight finish.  But The Maggies missed their share too.  As it was, The Bomber Mosquito Fleet turned out to be just a bomber.  The Dons’ challenge continues.  Next week they board the Spirit of Progress bound for Coat Hangar Bay to meet the challenged and challenging Bloods.  For The Woodsmen it’s another Friday night Block Buster: 4th v 3rd under cover.

MELBOURNE    6.1    11.2    16.6    17.10    (112)
WEST COAST    4.6      7.8    11.12    13.14      (92)
The Demons v The West.  They unfurled The Grand Old Flag in The Longroom and beyond as these two Cellar Dwellers slugged it out for draft table positions.  The final score belies the fact that The Demons had a pretty good grip on this match from the beginning.  And with commitment such as they displayed on Saturday they could go a long way to losing The Converted Timber Trophy.  With a relatively soft run home they could be moving upwards, as we all wish Jimmy Stynes’ health will move.  With matches against fellow Cellar Dwellers RICHMOND Freo & North and mediocre opponents in The Chokers, The Swans & Carlton, all in Bleak City, that prospect, based on the Self Belief they displayed on the weekend, is a distinct possibility. They start with Port Power next Sunday.  The Coasters have invited The Feeling Faints across for a run.

PORT POWER    2.2    10.3      13.6      19.5    (128)
BRISSY BEARS    2.4      6.7    11.11    11.14    (80)
Port Adelaide v The Brisbane Lions.  Port’s 8-1 2nd Quarter swung the match their way but they still had a bit to do in the Final Stanza to clinch a convincing win.  The Power From Port took the contest right up to the Visitors, who it must be said, didn’t handle the physicality very well.  Something that Boss Voss would not be happy with.  He has a week to rectify that when they host The Cats OTR.  For The Tealers it’s back into September Contention and a trip down to THOF as guests of the MFC.

THE CROWS    5.3    9.6    14.9    15.12    (102)
THE TIGERS    2.1    5.3      8.5      13.7      (85)
RICHMOND  v Adelaide.  The Crows never really looked like loosing this one, despite THE TIGER’S late flurry.  But as usual, it was nothing more than a token gesture to appease the Coach and ensure they got paid for the night.  And that might be the next step at TIGERLAND, pay on performance using Dreamteam statistics.  Shane Tuck did nothing to harm his Jack Dyer Medal chances and Hawthorn must be wondering why a son of a Favourite Son is playing for an opposition side.  As at TIGERLAND, they must be wondering why Coach of The Season Knighter is coaching an opposition side.  The Pride of South Australia can have a look around the theme parks at leisure before heading back to The City of Churches to prepare the New Arctic Park for The Barry Crockers next Saturday night.  They’ve moved up to 5th and will create some havoc between now and the end of September.  There’s a lot to like about The Mighty Adelaide Crows.

THE SCRAYS           9.6   13.10   15.14   19.19     (133)
THE MAYBLOOMS     0.2           0.4      4.6          6.9           (45)
The Doggies v The Les Miserables.  As Tommy Lane said at the end of the match – the bad news for The Hawks is that there’s another half season to go. The sight of the good burghers of Camberwell and Deepdene draped in the GoldenBrown sitting stunned in the bleachers, their leafblowers standing cold beside them, would have to go down as one of the saddest images of 2009.  And considering that, like the population of Iran, 65% of the Maybloom Faithful are under 40, the trauma of the humiliation could have the psychiatrists’ couches around at Beyond Blue groaning this week as scores of Glenferrie Faithful, who as six year olds chose last year’s premiers as their tribal colours, troop in for a ‘where did it all go wrong’ session.  And an explanation as to why the bed wetting has started again.  Coach Clarko said they won’t give in while they are a mathematical possibility of making September.  Someone should take Clarko aside and explain that there’s more to the equation than being 6&8.  There’s the small matter of having a percentage worse than West Coast’s and then there’s Taylor’s recurrent knee problem; it contacted an opponent’s head this time.  Maybe they should be drawing the line in the sand out there at Waverly and asking those who don’t want to play under the coach’s instructions to step across it.  And out the door.  They play North Melbourne next, who also believe they have a mathematical possibly of making it to September, in a crucial Eight Point contest at Yawk Park on the Sunday.  But this result was as much about The Winners as Round XIV’s Biggest Loser.  The Doggies displayed a game that is worthy of September and, with all their stars shining brightly, capable of making it to TLSIS.  Their field kicking is superbly accurate, especially their long game, and they have sure hands.  They have plenty of pace and love a run down.  Ask Sam Mitchell.  They have The Blockbuster next week when they open proceedings against The Woodsmen.

SYDNEY        3.4    7.6    11.7    15.10    (100)
NTH MELB        3.3    8.5    10.6      13.7      (85)
The Bloods v The Shinboners.  Mrs O’Loughlin’s littler boy Mickey will be sorely missed after he hangs up the Nikes.  Missed by both the Sydney Faithful and Students of The Game.  He booted a trade mark Mickey Oh snap across his body to seal this one for The Bloods keep their ever so slender September Chances alive.  For The Visitors, they’re still seeking a win for Caretaker Coach Darren Crocker.  The Swans have The Bombers OTR next Saturday night at home.  The Shinboners have a Sunday match down in Lonny against a team they just love to play.

ST KILDA        5.3    8.4    10.5    14.7    (91)
GEEELONG        2.2    5.5      8.7    13.7    (85)
The Feeling Faints v The Handbags.  We’ve all read the papers and watched the match.  And howled at a couple of soft 50m penalties to Geelong that proved productive.  The one gifted to Brownlow Aspirant Ablett was actually a travesty.  Twice he tried to run around the mark and was held up both times.  It should have been play-on.  As it was, in the shadows of quarter time, that sympathy major opened The Handbags’ goal scoring for the match.  The jump start served The Sainters well, and they deserved their win.  They were never headed, and let’s face it, at times there in the 2nd half they made enough mistakes to allow The Cats back into the contest.  But they steadied, and as they have done all season, Came Marching In.  Jimmy Bartell showed why he has a Brownlow Medal and Ablett hasn’t.  He tried his heart out all day, but as hard as he tried to bring his teammates into the contest, Lenny Hayes tried Harder.  Full Back of the 21st Century, Matthew Scarlett, claimed in his post match press conference that the poor call of advantage cost Geelong the match.  Wrong Matthew.  St Riewoldt’s Captain’s Goal from wide out on wing half forward cost you the game.  Misses by Nick Del Santo , Kossy & St Riewoldt in that frantic period mid Last Quarter could have all iced the match and TLSJOF must have had their hearts in their mouths and their heads in their hands as gettable shots went wide of the mark.  True, The Moggies missed Johnson.  He’s their only reliable forward.  He’s their only class forward.  (There’s talk around the front bar at the Great Western that Big Dork Hawkins could be replaced by Long Tom Lonergan.  Good luck with that one)  Once again The Cats’ absence of forward authority was exposed.  But something else that was exposed was their lack of real pace.  And it was Varcoe who exposed it.  He made his teammates look slow.  Sure, Ablett and Chapman move the ball quickly, and they turned the game around whenever they slipped their taggers and created space.  The other weakness the match revealed was that Geelong have no answer to Kossy & St Riewoldt.  The kindest thing would have been for Michael Gardiner to knock out Harry Taylor in the 1st five minutes.  Rossy Lyon would have been sure to pull The Jubilant Saints aside and tell them they can play better.  The Pussies can only get Johnson and Ottens back.  The Seagulls can call on Stephen King to relieve the pressure on Gardiner and apply it to his replacement down at Sleepy Hollow.  The loss may yet be more devastating.  If all things remain equal, it puts them in a Qualifying Final against The Greyhounds from The Western Kennels.  And they would have had the stopwatch on The Sleepy Cats down at the Rose Bowl.  You want a big statement?  The Fearless Felines are not guaranteed an appearance on TLSIS.

THE CANARIES    1.4    7.8    9.14    16.19     (115)
FLAKY FREO    6.2    9.7    13.8    15.10     (100)
Flaky Freo v Round XIII’s Biggest Loser.  The Canaries nearly became Round XIV’s Biggest Loser over at Port Fremantle on Sunday evening.  Playing in the Chartreuse All Carlton Knows they eventually climbed aboard the Juddanaught to ride home to Victory.  Without Pavlich, the leaderless Dockers were eventually overrun by the more accomplished Lemons.  Like a Melbourne train in a heat wave, Carlton are coming.  But there may be delays while they get the tracks straightened out.  They have a different RICHMOND side to the one they annihilated in Round I, at the G on Saturday arvo.  The Barry Crockers have The Sparkling Chardonnays at Crow Park on Saturday night.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

THE LADDER
ST KILDA                  13    0    177.49        52
GEELONG                 13    0    149.63        52
FOOTSCRAY              9    4    124.02        36
CARRINGBUSH        8    5    116.33        32
BRISBANE                  8    5    110.03        32
ADELAIDE                 8    5    101.60        32
THE BOMBER           7    6    104.35        24
CARTOON                  6    7    107.27        24
——————————————————————-
MAYBLOOMS            6    7      93.76        24
THE CHOKERS          6    7      83.03        24
STEAK&KIDNEY       5    8      93.72        20
WEAGLES                   4    9      89.44        16
NTH MELB                 4    9      76.56        16
STRUGGLETOWN    3    10      77.08        12
FLAKY FREO              3    10      76.17        12
THE FUCHSIAS         1    12      68.14          4

THE AUSSIE RULES WRAP
Where life imitates Sport
What a week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The embarrassing loss to Arch Rivals Essendon has seen the big timber tumbling around at Royal Parade.  First to get the axe was ex-President in Waiting John Elliott.  With Big Jack’s moral compass awry again he found himself catapulted back into yesterday.  And just when he was making such good progress too.

BBBBarry, now there’s someone who deserves our sympathy.  He was only responding, in the only way he knows how, to the elbow in the ribs Rutten slipped him.  What would you have done?  Okay, okay, not with the umpire 10 feet away.  But that’s Our Bazza.  Honest to a fault.  We’ve all heard the Hallisms.  You blokes line up by height.  Starting with the oldest on the right.  I might kick 60 or 70 goals this season, depending which ever comes first.  He deserves our sympathy on that score alone.

So Chokko’s taken a haircut?  At least he’s still got a job.  But why did it take the Brains Trust around at Alberton nine hours to come to the conclusion that if they could only afford ten quid a week & board plus a once loved Holden Barina, they’d be battling to get another starter anyway.  They should consider themselves lucky they got Chokko to take it on for another two seasons.

And that means the rides on the Coaches Carousel have been diminished by one.  Fig Jam was mooted as a replacement over there.  He would have been good too.  The list’s not bad.  Just a little bit lazy.  (Make that very lazy Wrap – Ed)

And just to show how much he misses his old teammates, Dean Solomon stayed back in Melbourne last weekend to spend some quality time with Essendon Captaincy aspirant Mark McVeigh.  When he called in crook the next morning Coach Knighter didn’t quite see the need to be bonding till 3am with an opposition player when The Bombers had a 7th v 4th Contest on their hands at the end of the week.  Good use of leadership Knighter.  By the way, Mum wants to know when you’re coming home to PUNT ROAD.

OS, and LLil Leyton gave us our money’s worth once more.  Don’t we just adore him when the terrier in him comes out?  As for the BaggyGreens, it’s hard to know what to make of them.  Mr. Cricket got amongst the runs the other day but Bing Lee failed to curb Pohmmy openers.  He wasn’t on his pat malone there either.  If the groundsman has placated the pitch, it detracts from Hussy’s 150 somewhat.  But with the Porcelain Kid once again cracking, you’d reckon Brad Hodge would get a call up wouldn’t you?  I ask you, North & McDonald.  This is an Ashes Series Mervin.  You’re a Victorian.  Put a word in.  Just one of reason would do.

But enough of my gabbin’. Let’s see who’s going to be seen after Round XIV.

The Magpies v The Bombers at The Paddock That Grew tonight.  The Dons were magnificent last Friday night and the Whingy Hill Faithful will pack out The G again tonight.  Pears on Anthony will have a bearing on the outcome.  He’ll find Jack a bit more competitive that The Fev and he’ll need every bit of help from his side men, whom it should be mentioned will have their hands full with the likes of Diddums Didak, Brad Dick, Magic Meddy and Neon Leon.  Getting Pendlebury back won’t do The Woodsmen any harm either.  The Dons regain McPhee.  Not that The Dons are slouches down back mind you, but they can be a bit mindful of attack at times when defence is called for.  Good for the Punters, but can make a mess of your percentage.  Then there’s the Four Points, or in this particular case, Eight Points.  The Mosquito Bomber Fleet relies on extreme pace and slickness.  There’ll be a bit of moisture in the ground, even if the showers do ease by nightfall.  The heavy track is going to suit the brave of heart and sure of skill.  If Lloydie & Lucas can hold their marks and kick straight The Dons will go a long way to stealing this game.  Make no mistake, it will be a beauty, so if you couldn’t get tickets for the Sunday match, get along to this one.  Look, it’s hard to split them.  The Bombers have shown they have plenty of fight in them.  The Maggies, through Wayne Swan and in the absence of McVeigh & Watson, will have too much grunt around the stoppages.  We’re sticking with Carringbush, but wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to see The Gliders get up.  There’s a lot to like about them and caring brokers will be advising their clients to take out some of those Bomber’s futures we’re starting to hear so much about.

The Demons v The West Coast at THF on Saturday Arvo.  The Redlegs need to pull something out of somewhere.  Jack Who has taken his doctor’s advice and phoned in sick.  Johnson, Miller & Whelan have been omitted.  The Weagles have lost Daniel Kerr.  Look, if the weather clears and you’re out on your bike, pop in to The G and catch this one.  Springheel Nic is worth the admission alone.  And if your Heart Beats True For The Red & The Blue this could be the day for you.  The Coasters are woeful away from home and The Fuchsias owe this one to Jummy.  We feel the Bagmen have blundered dreadfully here with The Homeside out at $2.20.  In fact if they don’t win, the stain of tanking may mark The Grand Old Flag.  Don’t let this one slip through the net, The Demons are The Wrap Investment Opportunity of The Round.

Port Adelaide v The Brisbane Lions under the Shadows of Mt Lofty on Saturday arvo.  A trip to Adelaide holds no terrors for The Lions and they’re playing some half decent football at the moment.  Boss Voss will have them set for this one.  Will The Chokers do it for Chokko?  What’s changed?  It took the good burghers of Alberton nine hours to muster a vote of confidence in the coach, and he rolled over for a pay cut.  If anything the situation’s worse.  Apart from that – 5th v 10th.  Come on.  The Visitors.

RICHMOND  v Adelaide up at Carrara under lights on Saturday.  Any progress THE TIGES have made this season seems to be slipping away  Coach Jade has thrown in Jayden Post for his debut game and left Oakley-Nichols and Rance back at Coburg.  The Crows just look too settled and have too much at stake.  All THE TIGERS have to lose is draft picks.  And at $1.27, The Chardonnays are as good as you’ll ever see for the tobacco money.

The Doggies v The Hawks under cover tomorrow night.  Like their President, and no doubt their Coach, we’ve had enough of The 2009 Hawks.  We loved their work in 2008 but this model isn’t worth garage room.  The Bullies are keen to consolidate their Top Four Status, and with a tough run home - only two matches against sides not in the Eight – they’ll be keen to put an early gap in The Mayblooms.  That doesn’t mean The Visitors can’t win, but on present form, and that’s all you can go on, it The Scraggers.

The Bloods v The Shinboners at the Other Cricket Ground on Saturday night and Channel Rove.  These two are evenly matched.  Both rebuilding.  Both with huge gaps in their line up.  Both sides with aging stars.  Both sides used to being in the news this season for one reason or another.  The Tinseltowners look that little bit better all over the ground and playing at home should clinch it for them.  The Harboursiders.

The Feeling Faints v The Handbags at the Boutique Stadium at the far end of Bourke Street on Sunday.  Boy is this the Big One?  The more you look at the sides in the butcher shop window the more you lean towards The Pussies.  They appear to have too many class players for The Saints to cover.  But they still have to out score their opponents and that’s where it comes unstuck.  Kossy & St Riewoldt are a class above anything The Cats can come up with at their end of the ground.   And make no mistake, those two can tear a defence apart.  Should the ball find the ground there’s Nasty Milne and Schneider to tidy up.  They played poorly against THE TIGERS last week yet still came home on the bit.  The midfields look pretty even, GAJ of course being the breakout player.  If The Saints get Ablett conscious it could leave others in the Navy Blue & White Hoops of Sleepy Hollow free rein to do some extra damage.  If Hawkins can be held by Gilbert & Mooney can be sucked in by Fisher – not an unlikely scenario – it only leaves Goddard to put Johnson off his game and Geelong’s forward firepower is greatly diminished.  We couldn’t get tickets for Docklands for this one but we’ve secured our Bandwagon ride.  We drew the section from Tommy Bent Statue to The Junction.  And did you blink too when you saw the Board?  $2.45!!  We’ll have a piece of that thank you.  That’s right Sainters, can you believe it?  After a faultless 13 rounds and atop the Ladder, you’re The Wrap Roughie of The Round.

Flaky Freo v Round XIII’s Biggest Loser at Port Fremantle on Sunday evening.  They’ve swung the axe all right out along Royal Parade.  Apart from Elliot they’ve dropped Bannister, Scotland, Stevens and Browne.  They’re taking a whole bunch of no names over on the Indian Pacific.  They’ve slipped Eddie Betts into the Centre and Garlett in to the pocket beside The Dreadlock.  All Australian full back in waiting Tarrant has the job of getting under The Fev’s skin.  You’d give The Anchormen a chance in this one except for two things.  They’re playing crap Football and they’re without their Skipper and gun forward Pavlich.  Oh, and the muscle-headed Dean Solomon, dropped we presume for getting the club into the east Coast newspapers.  Carlton aren’t nearly as good as they’d have everyone believe, but they’re not bad enough to go down to The Barry Crockers, even over there.  With The Hawks and The Chokers waiting to pounce onto the Eighth Rung, The Miseries.  But even at $1.62 leave your wallet in your pocket.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

THE LADDER
ST KILDA                   13    0    177.49        52
GEELONG                 13    0    149.63        52
FOOTSCRAY              9    4    124.02        36
CARRINGBUSH        8    5    116.33        32
BRISBANE                  8    5    110.03        32
ADELAIDE                  8    5    101.60        32
THE BOMBER            7    6    104.35        24
CARTOON                   6    7    107.27        24
——————————————————————-
MAYBLOOMS            6    7      93.76        24
THE CHOKERS         6    7      83.03        24
STEAK&KIDNEY       5    8      93.72        20
WEAGLES                   4    9      89.44        16
NTH MELB                 4    9      76.56        16
STRUGGLETOWN    3    10      77.08        12
FLAKY FREO              3    10      76.17        12
THE FUCHSIAS         1    12      68.14          4

THE AUSSIE RULES WRAP
Where life imitates Sport
What a round it’s been in Footy Eddie.  The body bags draped in Navy Blue were lined up along La Via Lygon on Saturday morning.  You knew it was a big funeral when you noticed Mick Gatto amongst the mourners.  Carringbush monstered another 7 stone weakling on Saturday Arvo in Melbourne while The Mighty Adelaide Crows consolidated their September Credentials against The Hapless, and soon to be BBBBarryless, Swans.  Over in The West on Saturday night we witnessed the end of The Mayblooms’ 2009 Title Defence and up under The Palms it looked ominously like the end of Dean Bailey’s coaching career.

Come Sunday and The Handbags, with the lights flickering on and off, took care of the Power Failures down at Cat Central.  The Bulldogs eventually pulled down The Kangaroos and The Feeling Faints did what had to be done against a RICHMOND outfit that was all at sea.

And speaking of THE TIGERS, it would be fair to say they’re not going to attract a worthy coach with lamentable displays such as they put in on Sunday night.  Around at PUNT ROAD they’d be hoping like mad that Bucks still had jetlag and went to bed early.

The Coaches’ Carousel was playing a merry tune over the weekend as two incumbents won another two years of free rides.  The one riding the Cheshire Cat has been grinning all year and he has much to grin about.  The one zooming up and down in the twin-engined Bomber has had some moments, but he also gets extra fairy floss with his roll of tickets.

Did you notice anything different at Auskick on Saturday morning?  At our ground each group commenced their session with that favourite old hymn Keep Your Bomber Side Up.  How ecumenical can you get?  However, we noticed no prayers for the bereaved along La Via Lygon.  That’s not very Christian.

Last year we gave you RICHO as a both way bet in The Brownlow Stakes.  This year look no further than Diddums Didak.  You wouldn’t know what they feed them out at his Chapter of The Hells Angels, but it’s certainly working.

Don’t you wish Doubtful Thomas would keep his mouth shut?  After falling foul of the Awful Football League for umpire bashing he gave them well-deserved praise for their latest efforts.  He wasn’t on his Pat either; BBBBarry gave them the thumbs-up as well.  Sadly, these endorsements seem to have triggered an adverse reaction at Maggot Central.  Are we the only ones to notice the return of ‘Because I Can’ umpiring philosophy returning to THE GAME?

The mailbag has been a full one this weekend.  Nasty Flanagan from Darwin sent this one in.

There were some young men from the Kent*
Whose egos were terribly bent.
All Carlton was crying
It’s now we’re arriving.
But instead of coming they went.

Over in the Heart of Empire, our Sammy fell to one of the Russian Grunts, and the Baggy Green quicks tune up for The All England Foreign Legion.  Although you’d have to wonder how they let Sussex get out to 373 in the fourth innings.

But enough of my gabbin’. Let’s see who was mustard keen in Round XIII.

ESSENDON   2.4   8.5   14.9   21.10   (136)
CARLTON     2.3   7.7     8.9     9.13   (67)
The Bombers v The Bluebaggers.  Well, that answers that; if Carlton were coming they’ve been and gone.  Like the English summer, if you’re on the karzy you’ll miss it.  But you’d think two 2nd half goals would clinch it wouldn’t you?  It probably would - if you were playing at Gillespie Road or White Hart Lane.  With the Whole Football World tuned in, The Miseries managed a shameful 2-6 to The Dons’ 13-5 in the 2nd Half.  In front of 85,407 people, they embarrassed themselves and the Royal Parade Faithful.  Mrs Wrap, with her heart in the Ammos, wanted to know if they were in danger of being relegated on that performance alone.  And we’ve said this before, there are too many piggy backing on the Captain at Princes Park.  Nick Stevens put in a shocker and must be due to have his contracted reviewed.  The Dreadlock is another.  They will still be dangerous on their day, but it looks very much as though their Juddanaught Theory is in tatters.  You just knew The Gliders were going to get off the ground when that master of legerdemain, Pretty Boy Lloyd, with a fistful of his opponent’s Jumper threw his spare hand in the air, popped his eyes and was awarded the free.  The Football Gods overruled the decision and the resultant shot on goal drifted wide for a minor score.  But the stage was set.  For 1½ quarters it was tight with The Miseries seeming to gain the ascendency when Mrs Watson’s Little Boy Jobe had to leave the field when he rolled an ankle.  Then bang, The Essendon Mosquito Fleet switched on the after burners.  With Welsh covering Judd, and the help of a couple of very fortunate 50m penalties, the twin Rolls Royce Merlins roared full throttle into attack as The Fleet tore the heart out of Carlton.  Thankfully they waited till the 2nd Half and the kiddies were in bed, for this was horrifying in its sheer ruthlessness.  And are there those among us - men and women of compassion - who see the justification given for this massacre – Overbearing Silvertail Arrogance – as an over reaction?  (I told you there wouldn’t be anyone Wrap – Ed)  Cartoon get to pack their bags and slip aboard the Indian Pacific bound for Port Fremantle.  The Mosquito Fleet?  They refuel for another Friday Night Blockbuster against another Traditional Rival: Carringbush.

COLLINGWOOD        6.3    10.6    16.9    26.13        169
FREMANTLE        2.2     7.3    11.5      13.7          85
The Woodsmen v The Anchormen.  The Maggies collected the percentage and the Four Points on offer here.  And they’ve obviously been reading the Bruce Andrews Hints and Advice on How to Play Football.  Their 10-4 Last Quarter could have been, and deserved to be a 12 or 14 goal extravaganza.  This was some of the most awesome Football this column has witnessed.  True, Freo had started to Flake by that stage, but they were still out there in body.  And doesn’t Brad Dick know how to play THE GAME?  Can’t you just see him as a 10 year old, endlessly practicing those blind snaps in the gathering gloom with his mates?  And haven’t the crowd adopted him?  Mrs Wrap wanted to take him home and get a good feed into him.  He had The Black&White Army in ecstasy mode as The Woodsmen stormed home with a wet sail.  It was a total monstering and it’s clear they intend to take no prisoners.  They can expect another good crowd at The G for Friday night’s clash against Essendon.  And they can expect more resistance.  Heaps more.  The Barry Crockers weren’t all that bad for ½ a game.  They recovered from a disastrous Open Stanza and were competitive in The Championship Quarter, but once they heard the mournful whistle of the Indian Pacific building up a head of steam the homesickness became too much for them.  The sidelining of their Skipper early in proceedings didn’t help.  They have a much easier task next round when they host Round XIII’s Biggest Loser.

CROWS        1.3    3.4    9.7    12.13        85
SWANS        2.2    6.5    8.6      10.9        69
The Pride of South Australia v The Loyal Sons.  The Chardonnays had trouble extracting the cork for ½ the game.  Once they did we saw some Champagne Football flow.  It wasn’t a high scoring game, something that used to suit both sides.  Once the Crows gave away the attrition, which they were losing anyway, and picked up their new attack game plan it was good Night Nurse for The Bloods.  And for The Bloods’ 2009 Campaign.  With the full enormity of The Western Sydney Inventions looming over them, they host another troubled team in North Melbourne.  And they’ll probably have to manage without BBBBarry Hall for a few weeks as well.  And didn’t Bazza’s little number sum up where Sydney’s at?  They need a good pull through and Richard Colless and Coach Roos will be well aware of that.  The New Look Crows will take more Self Belief from this match.  Dangerfield, when thrown on the ball, turned the contest on its head, but while there was the resilience we have come to love about Neil Craig sides, there was a flexibility that is adding to the sum of the parts.  Keep an eye on The Free Settlers.  They may not be ready to go all the way yet, but they’ll be there in September.  And they’ll give a good account of themselves.  They have THE TIGERS up at Carrara next round.

LION KINGS        3.4    9.7    13.13    16.15        111
FUCHSIAS            2.0    2.2       2.5        8.8         56
Brisbane Lions v The Fuchsias.  Hearts can’t Beat True if your team hasn’t got a pulse.  And that’s about it from Casey Fields for this season.  Something will have to be done about it.  Moving them to Western Sydney would be an option.  And you’d be temped to ask how far Casey Fields are from Springvale wouldn’t you?  The cortege will leave …… A private funeral.  No flowers by request.  It was a percentage builder for The Lions.  They rocketed to 109.82%, only to find The Maggies had built their 109.43% to 116.33% on the back of their Slaughter of The Anchormen.  The Fuchsias face Hawthorn’s Conquerors at THOF next weekend.  The Bad News Bears have The Chokers in the shadows of Mt Lofty.

WEST COAST    2.3    8.6    10.9    16.11        107
MAYBLOOMS    4.3    6.4    11.6      13.9          87
The Coasters v The Squawkers.  The look on Brad Hodge’s face at the Final Siren said it all.  It was one of total relief.  Relief that they could forget about consuming gallons of the sickly, low-fizz barocca every Tuesday & Thursday night.  Now Little Hawkers everywhere can start planning their September school holidays without the anxiety of wondering if they’ll be playing in Adelaide or Brisbane.  They have some problems around there at Ausdoc Oval.  In fact if you think back they’re not dissimilar from the problems they had before there 2008 blossoming.  Example?  Look no further than Ruckmen Taylor’s antics on the field.  Gratuitous is one word that springs to mind.  There’s no need for the things he comes up with.  They’re a long way from helping the team effort, yet he continues to do them.  Or more to the point, is allowed to continue to do them.  Hawthorn, your pre-season starts now.  But let’s move on from yesterday’s men.  How about Springheel Nick?  Didn’t he bring the 31,441 to their feet with three iconic goals?  They’ll be showing them as part of his Brownlow Presentation footage when the time comes.  He’s the new face of Aerial Ping Pong and another the Mothers of Melbourne will just adore.  Not a mean streak in him and that little boy lost look will have them falling over themselves to wash his Footy Gear and make him casseroles.  The Coasters are off to The G for a meeting with fellow Cellar Dweller Melbourne next time the Tribes meet.  The Hapless Mayblooms continue their sorry journey through 2009 with a meeting under cover with a team coached by one of Glenferrie Oval’s Favourite Sons: The Sons of The West

GEELONG        7.5    10.9    16.13    18.14        122
PORT ADEL        1.1      6.3        7.4    13.10          88
The Handbags v The Chokers.  The Cats hit the ground running and by the time the Alberton Mob had finished tying their bootlaces it was game over.  They hit back at The Hosts, but The Pussies had their measure at every turn.  The stomach churning image of a cat playing with a mouse springs to mind.  One could be excused for thinking their thoughts were possibly wandering to the events of this coming week.  Make no mistake, it will dominate the conversation in the fashionable seafood restaurants at the Port Precinct along Eastern Beach and the drinking holes of Norlane and Newcomb.  For the losers it’s back in the Shadows of Mt Lofty to roll out the welcome mat for The Brisbane Lions.  They fought hard and staved off a blowout, which saved them some percentage.  But that’s all Chokko has to put on the table for his career review this week.

BULLDOGS        6.1    9.4      13.6      17.6        108
NTH MELB        4.4    8.8    11.13    12.14          86
North v West. The Darren Crocker trained Shinboners took it up to The Doggies and were in this one right up to the Citrus Huddle.  Like all caretaker coaches, DC has The Norsemen on all-out, nothing to lose attack and it worked - until the class of The Scraggers took over and they went on to a 22-point victory.  This one was a good hitout for The Doggies preparation when they face The Totally Desperate Mustard Pots under cover next Saturday night.  North head north to Sin City for a dip at The Bloodied Swans.

ST KILDA        0.3    5.5    11.9    13.14        92
RICHMOND    2.3    2.3      2.3        5.6        36
St Kilda v RICHMOND.  This was a seesawing game with each side winning two quarters.  RICHMOND held the much vaunted St Kilda attack goalless for the Opening Stanza.  And to show there were no hard feelings, The Sainters returned the favour and held THE TIGERS scoreless for the next two.  Then THE TIGES went on to win the last.  Yet they still managed to go down by 54 points.  This was a lamentable display, and maybe not the hitout Rossy Lyon would have liked for his charges before the match we’ve all been waiting for since around Round VII.  But THE TIGES aren’t all that bad.  To watch The Saints squeeze the life out of them was like watching an anaconda crush one of those capybara thingamajigs on a David Attenborough nature show.  Nothing violent like a lion kill.  No desperate wild eyed flight.  No flaying legs as the prey is pulled to the ground.  Just a slow crushing of the spirit and a total capitulation.  And that’s about where RICHMOND are at the moment.  In fact it’s doubtful they’d beat a team of capybaras the way they’re playing.  It doesn’t get any better for them next round: Adelaide up at Carrara.  It’s hard to imagine many of TLSPRF bothering to make the effort.  A trip to Dream World, sure.  But not to witness more of what their team dished out last night.  For The Junction Oval Seagulls?  What planet have you just returned from?  The Pivotonians under cover.

* The Kent is a fashionable watering hole in Rathdowne Street North Carlton popular with Carlton footballers.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.

THE LADDER
ST KILDA                  12    0    173.62        48
GEELONG                 12    0    150.08        48
FOOTSCRAY              8    4    125.89        32
CARRINGBUSH        7    5    109.43        28
BRISBANE                  7    5    101.40        28
ADELAIDE                 7    5    100.19        28
CARLTON                  6    6    114.52        24
THE GLIDERS          6    6      98.61        20
——————————————————————-

MAYBLOOMS            6    6      94.93        24
THE CHOKERS         6    6      89.62        24
STEAK&KIDNEY      5    7      94.66        20
NTH MELB                 4    8      76.27        16
WEAGLES                   3    9      86.90        12
STRUGGLETOWN    3    9      79.79        12
FLAKY FREO              3    9      79.73        12
THE FUCHSIAS         1    11      69.96          4

THE AUSSIE RULES WRAP
Where life imitates Sport
What a week it’s been in Footy Eddie.  That Coaches Carousel is a 24/7 ride and the fairy floss is free.  The latest to climb aboard is Shinboner of The Century.  He’s invited The Greatest Player to Ever Pull on The Black&White Verticals to change the colour of his stripes.  Actually nothing new for Fig Jam.  With Arch on the Selection Committee, hands up those who see the invitation as an endorsement?  Now all they have to do to get Captain Brownlow around at Arden Street is find a buyer for the Gasometer.  Not an easy task in these troubled times.  And Boss Voss has weighed in too.  Well spotted Vossy.  Yes, it is a good time to be out of the country.

And just to prove you can’t keep a good man down, Black Jack Elliott has launched his own Footy Show on Channel 31.  Just to grab our attention he asserted that Carlton paid out several sexual abuse claims during the 1980s & 1990s.   Good one Jack.  Are we to presume $5,000 was a lot of money in those days?  Of course everybody connected with the club back then has denied it.  Just as they denied salary cap breaches.  Good launch Jack.  Trouble is Ch31 is still analogue, and not everyone can pick it up.

But can we read something deeper into the revelations?  Surely Jack’s not auditioning for the Presidency of The Sydney Inventions?  It’s certainly a modus operandi that would establish some credibility up in Sin City, eh? Don’t be too hasty to overlook this audition Andrew.  Big Godwin Jack has all the attributes for a Western Sydney football code President.

Not sure what to make of this one.  Shazza McLeary has pointed out that The Dees’ percentage is 69.69.  Are you saying they’re topped and tailed down at Melbourne Shazza?

It’s all starting again over in the Heart of Empire.  And if we hear one more joke about Cliff Richards not having to sing Summer Holiday to pass the time during a rain delay because the roof is now covered we’re going to have to reach for the bucket.  And once they finish the US Majors they’ll get the stars over to Scotland for the British Open.  The Ashes, Le Tour de Farce, the GP Revolution.  It’s all happening.  Llil Leyton, Slammin Sammy Stosur therough to Round 3, even Mark Webber got to squirt the Mumm over the pit girls after the Red Bull came in 1 & 2 at Silverstone.

On the tennis, if only the sponsors knew what a turn off the grunts and squeals of the female circuit were to the casual tennis viewer.  While we don’t want Germaine crawling all over the column, we don’t feel we’re alone in finding it hard to get excited about women’s tennis anyway.  The vocal exhalation just has us reaching for the remote sooner.

But enough of my gabbin’. Let’s see who’s who mustard keen in Round XIII.

The Bombers v The Bluebaggers at The Paddock That Grew tonight.  Don’t you just love it when these two mugs line up against each other?  This one carries Eight Points as well as bragging rights.  And Eight Points that will boost the recipient clean into September.  It’s always good to see Scragger Fletcher back in the Essendon backline but they’ll miss the poetry reading of McVeigh & McPhee.  The Blues look more settled and they put up a good show against The Ladder Leaders last round.  The Dons on the other hand took half a match to get on top of one of the most deserving Wooden Spooners for some time.  The teams look well matched on paper overall but Essendon will need their two name forwards to fire up to have any chance of matching The Fev and Eddie the Goalsneak.  McVeigh will be sadly missed in the midfield, and that is where we expect The Silvertails’ dominance to emerge.  Sorry Knighter, but not this week.  Keep your hands in your pockets but.  The Gliders have the wood on The Miseries

The Woodsmen v The Anchormen at THF on Saturday Arvo.  The Pies are straight out of the microwave and will be too hot for The Flakers, who, since their early season three on the Stewie have fallen into a deep coma.  Chris Tarrant will want to impress they’ve named him in the attacking goalsquare.  His long leads out onto wing half forward will bring a tear to the collective eye of The Black&White Army.  Carringbush, and at $1.10 they’re getting a lend of our rent money for the match.

The Pride of South Australia v The Loyal Sons at Crow Park tomorrow.  The Bloods may have splashed their last pint of dead horse on The Pies last weekend.  They’re not a prolific scoring side and Rutten & Co will make sure they stay true to form.  BBBBarry will entertain, especially if he has an inkling he’ll be following Mrs O’Loughlin’s little boy Mickey out the door in August.  And hasn’t Mickey O been an ornament to THE GAME?  A part of Sydney when Roos was still playing and Brasso coaching.  Crikey, how long ago was that?  Michael Swan O’Loughlin, Favourite Son and Worthy Ambassador, we salute you.  But it won’t make any difference.  The Mighty Adelaide Crows.

Brisbane Lions v The Fuchsias at The Gabbattoir on Saturday night.  The Dees are taking Jack Who up for a tour of the Gold Coast theme parks before they run him against Springheel Brennan.  And did you notice Notting has been put on notice by Boss Voss?  You can put down the glasses now.  Brissy.

The Coasters v The Squawkers at Camp Subiaco on Saturday night.  The Hawthorn Captain has said they’ve drawn the line in the sand and will not retreat beyond it.  The Weagles caught The Bulldogs by surprise over there and The Mayblooms aren’t applying Four Quarters of pressure football the way they did last September.  However, we’re prepared to take Sam Mitchell at his word.  They regain Ladson, Gilham and Whitecross.  The Wiggles lose Cox, Nickosi and drop McNamara.  Look, if The Mustard Pots don’t win this one they’re in more s**t than a Werribee duck.  Six of their last nine matches are against teams above them plus Port Adelaide over there.  One last chance Hawkers.  And at $1.33 they’re The Wrap Investment Opportunity of The Round.

The Handbags v The Chokers at The Cattery on Sunday.  The Moggies are unchanged.  The Power has dropped one and lost the other Motlop.  Salopek has been omitted as well.  Let’s not waste a lot of clichés on this one.  Geelong.

North v West at The G on Sunday.  The question is, has Caretaker Coach Crocker found a hidden cellar of The Famous Elixir?  Even then, will it help?  Maybe and yes.  But will it help enough?  No.  The Doggies have a sniff and know that percentage will be everything come August.  The Sons of The West for ours.  And they’ll kick The Sweep.

St Kilda v RICHMOND under cover for the twilight meet on Sunday.  Unlike Godwin Gech, there is no confusion about our loyalties.  Eat ‘em Alive Sainters.

Good tipping and even better punting.

And remember, if you read it in The Wrap you’ll know it’s not crap.